Yapok Sundria
by Bee Fly Ptarmigan
This is a REALLY holy book! Don't desecrate it or
you will be disembowled by wild rhubarb plants.
In the beginning Bee Fly Ptarmigan created Mutton.
It tasted bland, so Bee Fly Ptarmigan said, "let there be salt,"
and there was salt. Bee Fly Ptarmigan saw that salted mutton was good;
and Bee Fly Ptarmigan seperated salted mutton from the rancid meat that
abounded in the void.
And Bee Fly Ptarmigan saw that there was no earth, firmament, ocean,
animals, plants, heavens, or people. Bee Fly Ptarmigan did not care.
IT was happy to eat salted Mutton, ferment pickles, and pick the rancid
meat out of ITS toes. But a pickle told IT that these things mentioned
above must be, so Bee Fly Ptarmigan grudgingly pulled everything that is,
is not, will come to be, and will not come to be out of ITS pocket.
There was also some lint. This lint became people, and they made
clothing from which more lint comes. Bee Fly Ptarmigan saw that this
was good, so he made bee-fly-ptarmigan trees around which
bee-fly-ptarmigans flock. No one worshipped them except the rancid meat
that crawled, and Bee Fly Ptarmigan saw that this was good,
so he changed the rancid meat that crawled, into doilies that have no
purpose. And Bee Fly Ptarmigan saw that this was good because nonsense
is more fun than sense, and so Bee Fly Ptarmigan basted a toothbrush
and was superb for a moment.
Bee Fly Ptarmigan was angry with STUFF for not worshiping the
bee-fly-ptarmigan trees. So IT told No-one that IT would create
a fudge to cover the earth and that No-one must make a spork from
which the moths could eat the fudge two by two. So No-one made the
spork, and the moths went hungry.
"Why have only one god when you can have many gods?" thought Bee Fly
Ptarmigan, who's words are wise and whose commands are fructose. So
Bee Fly Ptarmigan made some demigods to serve as underlings, or
strudel. He appointed Sting Chamelero, Launcher Octopold,
Burnin' Nowmander, and Storm Egleed. They were powerful and wise,
but not half as cool and lovable as Bee Fly Ptarmigan.
Burnin' Nowmander decided to do something mystical and god-like.
So he made a mystical and god-like rope. It is a special rope,
lovingly crafted from lint (the human forebears), held together with
phlegm, and shaped in the likeness of a rope. His green, blue,
and red stripes shine flourescent in the sun.
He is known as the finest twine, the king of string,
the head thread, and the harbringer of justice. He comes and he
goes, spending a short time with a human companion, and then returning
to the wild. Ropey's children are left here and there, such great
ropes as Neon Wildebeast Ropey and Bistro Gradius Ropey. All ropeys
are to be treated with best of care, lest they wreak havoc on their
tormentors.
Bee Fly Ptarmigan still couldn't find anyone to worship the bee fly
ptarmigan trees. Sometimes some rancid meat that crawled worshipped
them, and Bee Fly Ptarmigan made them into doilies. But once in a
blue moon, a cult of worshippers would form. They would read the
Yapok-Sundria and learn of the ways of the Yapok-Sundria. Yapok-Sundria
became their religion, and they did not question the ways of the
Yapok-Sundria, because the ways of Yapok Sundria don't make sense
anyway. The followers of Bee Fly Ptarmigan will always be given a
place in Bee Fly Ptarmigan's pickle fermenting vat, where they will
spend 45 eternities is the bliss of fermentation. Thus it is so.
A Bee Fly Ptarmigan worshipping cult or multitude must consist of
approximately 3 individuals. 3.015 persons will be accepted, but no
more. Each person in a Bee Fly Ptarmigan worshipping multitude
assumes a code name. The code names available are Bee, Fly,
and Ptarmigan. All names must be used. Worship the bee fly
ptarmigan trees often, using the Yapok-Sundria dance moves, which
consists of crouching down, raking the ground with both hands, and
leaping into the air. This should be done in a continous motion that
can be done easily for some length of time. Keep a spray bottle with
a mist setting handy, as these can purify stuff. Spray yourself and
the bee/fly/ptarmigans with the bottle during worships. Do this
before and after the Yapok-Sundria dance moves, since spray bottles
interfere with the motion. Spouting nonsense when you are feeling
religious appeases nearby rancid meat that crawls, which have now
become doilies. Good followers of Yapok-Sundria should remember the
worship actions, along with keeping in mind the quotes of Bee Fly
Ptarmigan.
- Always remember that doilies were once rancid meat that crawls, and treat them with the respect they deserve.
- A ptarmigan in the rough is worth two in the field.
- A mouthfull of hay keeps the momeraths at bay.
- Life is an avocado. When you drop it, it goes bald.
- Moss is carosel of nasea.
- The afterlife for worshipful multitudes is pure bliss. The vat life consists of resting in the brine among the pickles, experiencing the thrill of weasels passing in and out of your nostrils.
- I place a pox on your forebears if they eat mashed grub.
- Storm Egleed may shower an unfortunate with tangerines!
- According to the surgeon general, partriges should not consume fizzy beverages, as they grow jandice is their perplexion.
- MOOOOO! Har har. The lament of a mongoose is pleasing to the larynx!
- Bee Fly Ptarmigan is better than you. So are bee fly ptarmigans. So are bee fly ptarmigan trees.
- Berry Berry Kix should be placed in the jugular vein.
- Yapok, yut-yut, yamony, and yak; one more letter and you're all the way back. Umbachucka, umbachucka, umbachucka, oom!
- Give Bee Fly Ptarmigan all your knicker-bockers!
- When walking through a rubbish heap, carry a possum in each arm pit to ward off evil.
- When a wandering troubadore passes through town, place an earwig in each of his hamstrings for good luck.
- Lambert the sheepish lion has important things to say if you only listen.
- The world will end in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Give Bee Fly Ptarmigan all your money.
- Watercress is good in tortillas.
- Bug-Eyed Bob eat corn on the cob, while playing the koala bars...
- Bee Fly Ptarmigan feels that Robitussen might be used against him.
- Anything with a FRUITFUL snout is sacred.
- All able-bodied men should report to the meat locker at 2:03 A.M.
- A pinch of dromedary saliva is a peck of trouble.
- CHEEEEEERIIIOOOOOOOS IIIISSSSS GOOOOOOOOOODD!!!!!!